Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
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