I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
Every concussion has its silver lining
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize