dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Randomize