i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
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