I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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