the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize
