the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
