Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
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