People in love make me want to vomit
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Randomize
