I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Randomize
