I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
