I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
this hospital has no fireball
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
