I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
Randomize