How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Randomize
