I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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