Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
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