exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
Randomize
