broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Randomize
