i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I've blown a few things in my day
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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