i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
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