I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Randomize
