I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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