this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Randomize
