batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Couch. On fire.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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