While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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