getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
Randomize