god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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