I think I won the penis lottery.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
