I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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