He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
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