using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
They are going to name an STD after you.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
