Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Randomize
