Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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