just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Randomize
