On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
