Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Randomize
