my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Randomize
