The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
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