I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
