I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
