How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
I think I won the penis lottery.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Randomize
