I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
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