i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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