just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
Randomize
