Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
