Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Randomize
