I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
