There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
The cops high fived after they tackled you
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
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