You made me cry and you don't even care
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Randomize
