I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
