I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
