You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Randomize
