I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
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