It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Randomize
