he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
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