Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
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