The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Randomize
