He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
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