He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
fuck your aforementioned shoe
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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